The Cost of Addiction

     $50,000... This is the approximate figure that I have essentially blown on alcohol over a ten year period. This, to me, is a staggering amount of money, wasted on something that was slowly killing me. There are so many other ways that I could have spent that money. I could have given to charity. I could have invested in classes. I could have even invested in myself and had substantial savings. Instead, I chose poison.
    
     Since I was primarily an at home drinker, I figured that I must be saving money with my cheap booze in a box. Only the good stuff on special occasions. I rationalized at times, that it wouldn't put my account too much in the hole if I took myself out every once in a while. I loved drinking alone. I could choose the places with the cheapest drinks while daydreaming of how I wished my life to be. This also ensured that no one would monitor how much I drank. It was between me and the bartender.
     I had lost track of the many costs of my habit. Though the heavy drinking didn't start until about six years ago, the losses quickly piled up. Unfortunately, those monetary displacements are not the only ruins I am now struggling to rebuild. Addiction had nearly completely destroyed my self esteem. I forgot how to love myself. In active addiction, the alcohol made me feel confident, sexy, powerful - that was, before I crashed. I would allow it to take me to soaring social heights, but the next morning, without fail, I would feel like less than a person. Without much recollection of what I had done or said the night before, I felt betrayed by my own mind. If I couldn't even trust myself, who could I actually trust? Spiraling quickly downward, I began to isolate. I was ashamed of what I had become. I didn't want anyone to have access to the Mr. Hyde that I held deep within me, waiting to strike after that inevitable one drink too many. I began pushing others away, making excuses such as, "No one ever cared to get to know the real me, so I won't be missed." What I should have realized was, in order to get to know the real me, others would have been forced to scale a wine soaked wall.
     The loneliness that encompassed me was unlike anything I wish to experience again. There were times I felt falsely free and independent. I was frugal and could buy my own copious amounts of drink. But that was the only thing I ever bought. I commended myself on having the willpower to stay out of the department stores. This was nothing but pure rationalization - the only reason I had this "willpower" was due to the fact that there was nothing left after I had spent it all on something that would make me feel good for only a fleeting moment. This liquid which is cunning, baffling, and powerful, has cost me a huge piece of my inner strength, as my respect of self had quickly plummeted.
    

      Thankfully, there was light at the end of the tunnel. I became acquainted with     

Step One:

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

     Now, no one wants to admit that they are powerless in their own lives, or that they are unable to manage an aspect that many people can. But, I soon found in "The Doctor's Opinion" in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, that there are five types of alcoholics. I fell in the category of the "types entirely normal in every respect except in the effect alcohol has upon them. They are often able, intelligent, friendly people."  This fit me. I felt that I was capable. My addiction hadn't cost me my job, my family, or my apartment...YET. That is the key word here, as you always have to be watching for those yets. If I had continued down the path of inebriation, the yets would have inevitably become reality.
 
     I am currently working diligently on rebuilding and replacing my losses, whether they be monetary, emotional, or spiritual.  I am feeling more empowered every day, and it feels wonderful. I am done counting the costs of my addiction. I am much happier counting my blessings!

~Victoria