On How To Return Home

     Staring at an empty vodka bottle as it floats mockingly at the bottom of the cavernous Greyhound bus toilet, I recoil. The irony of this moment does not go unnoticed by me. Life has some amazing humor if you really take the time to enjoy it. I laugh and take it as a lesson - if I had continued down the path of drink, my life would have ended up much like this bottle and it's final destination. With this, I start my journey back to New York.

     Going home - It's a rough road to tread when you've been told that you need to change your people, places, and things. Every way you turn, you are warned that failure is certain if you do not rid your life of the things that would trigger you to return to the despair of a wild bender. So, what do you do if your favorite drunken spot was your own apartment? Before panic was able to set in, I reminded myself of a statement recently gifted to me; "It is not your people places and things that you must change - it is yourself". You have no control over anything but you. Your actions. Your words. The situations you choose to put yourself in. Only you can be accountable to yourself.

     In describing the scenario that was briefly calling me back, I will say that it was one with the word "trigger" running rampantly all over it. I had a callback. Here is where the danger lies - being that I am extremely hard on myself, and this particular audition was of the utmost importance to me, a number of detrimental scenarios could have occurred. When I give a bad audition, I am crushed, I beat myself up, I berate my self worth, I drink. Alternately, when I give a phenomenal audition, I rejoice, I am confident, I celebrate... I drink. For an alcoholic, any time is the right time to drink. I would make any and every excuse to feel that warm enticing liquid course through my body. But, this is where my blessings saved me. I happen to be blessed with a life full of extremely supportive, loving people, people who have met my shortcomings without judgement, and have shared in my journey with pride. I was greeted with thrilled surprise from friends who were unaware of my brief return. With these people, among the enchanting atmosphere of a musical audition, I was home. Positive support is essential to successful and long lasting sobriety. It is important to remember that your friends, family, loved ones cannot keep you sober. But their support, along with Alcoholics Anonymous, are the life rafts which are key to one who is drowning in booze.

     This trip had brought upon another lesson that has been a driving force in my recovery - learning to let it go. All I can do is my best, and leave the rest of it up to God, Fate, the Universe, and whomever else's control my life is actually under. I can only hope that booking this show is part of the current plan for me. This concept is particularly difficult for me to accept, as I thrive on control. I love to micromanage every detail in my life. When I have absolutely no control over an outcome beyond the best presentation I have put forward, my mind runs wild with possible scenarios. My imagination becomes a veritable carnival, full of distorted truths and over exaggerated horrors, coupled with overblown and impossible whimsy. This is a dangerous place to play, the mind. It's obsessions are what drew me down the dark path of active alcoholism in the first place. I have learned that I must stay out of it. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. If anything, I have a restored confidence in my audition process, as I no longer have poison coursing through my veins, playing tug of war with my insides. Auditioning sober is a wonderful thing. There is still hope, and I must never give up on that.

     With my business finished, an anticipatory glow about me, it was time to focus on my initial transition from the safety of the program in Indianapolis, to my more permanent network in New York. In the five meetings I dove into within two days, I quickly found that the rooms in which I would soon spend much of my time among fellow alcoholics were wonderfully welcoming, full of smiling faces embracing my new presence, a plethora of incredible people. Being accepted by complete strangers who share in your struggle is amazing and humbling. This is a network in which, no matter where you go, you can find in it a safe haven and new friends that will selflessly help guide you on your journey. This is quite an amazing phenomenon, when you compare the behaviors of many of us in addiction to our new found recovery selves. We are like children discovering our joy for life, happily living for the good of others without want for anything in return. This is a freedom reinvented, which was lost long ago at the bottom of a bottle.

     Sad to see my successful adventure come to a close, I assured the new people in my life that I would continue my growth with them soon enough. Old friends know that I am indeed returning, hopefully to work with them as fellow entertainers and theatre professionals. I have assured myself that it will be okay. The fear is gone. There are no monsters waiting for me in any of my hiding places - what was there had already been drunk. Liquor did not stay long in my sight. But now, I can look upon it with disgust, remorseful of the destruction it had lain at my feet, yet secure in knowing that I am in a better place. I now know that I can safely return home.

~Victoria

 

The Force of Spirituality in Recovery

     Out of breath. Running and scared. I was being followed...
    
      I had drunk myself to a special level of oblivion that evening, with a bad case of the "woe is me's". We alcoholics are quite good at wallowing in this state. I had, on this particular night, made the infinitely intelligent decision to drown my sorrows by bar hopping. In New York City. Alone. Sheer brilliance. I found a swanky night club and began the usual alcohol induced dance with death. At a point, I had built up enough liquid courage to ask the lounge singer how she went about getting gigs, relaying the fact that I was a singer as well. This is where the drinks became a free-flowing affair. There seemed to often be free alcohol anywhere that I ventured alone. After some shop talk bonding, the eventual pouring out of my life story led me to a weepy life-loathing puddle. Her solution to this? Ask the owner to get me another drink, of course! More alcohol would solve the problem.
     Once I had cried myself out, and assured everyone that I would be okay to get home on my own, I stumbled out of the restaurant....to a rather shady looking pizzeria. Where I proceeded to have a beer. I had been drinking wine and hard liquor all night, so it only made sense to move to a less potent beverage as I was winding down. When I was getting ready to leave, a man nearby was positive that one beer was not sufficient, that my drunken slurring self surely needed more booze. My danger flag was waving wildly at this point, so I excused myself. He didn't take the hint. It was one in the morning, and I was being followed. Being that my faculties weren't completely about me, I can't even say if I had any amount of control over my panic, or the direction I was heading. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a young couple quickly approached me; "Oh, there you are! Where have you been?" These were complete strangers that I was incredibly grateful to see. The man dropped back immediately, most likely looking for an easier target. They explained to me that they had seen the situation from across the street, and could tell that I was inebriated and needed help. I am so thankful for their kindness in walking me safely to my train. Surely, someone was watching over me that evening. In these moments, I believe. But there are many times that I am unsure of what I am believing in.

     Let go and let God. What does this mean? There are infinite possibilities. I have so many questions about this part of the process of recovery, and am still a young student in many ways. Alcoholics Anonymous is built upon the belief that in order to remain sober, you must completely hand your life over to the care of a Higher Power as it is understood by you.

Step Three:

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

 

     In fact, in order to work this and the subsequent steps, you must follow this principle. I was lost and a little nervous. This can be a daunting request for someone who is unsure where they stand. "How will I work this? Do I believe in God? Do I believe in a form of Him that suits my needs?... Is this a cult?" This aspect of the program admittedly scared me.  So many questions reaching towards the very foundation of my existence. Suddenly, one of the most controversial topics in life had been forced to the forefront of my recovery. I have thankfully always been a very spiritual person. I believe that we are all connected by some force that is bigger than any of us, but the question is, by what? Or who? Every addict has selfishly led themselves to believe that they are in fact the Creator of their world, the center of their universe, that they can be given credit for every event in their lives, especially the positive ones.

 

"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way."

- "How It Works", Chapter 5 in the Big Book

 

     What right do I have to say that there is no God? How could I possibly know for sure? I had, through certain prejudices, believed that my knowledge of science and logic were the whole truth of life. But who was I to judge their beliefs?  Who were they to judge mine?

 

"We talked of intolerance, while we were intolerant ourselves. We missed the reality and the beauty of the forest because we were diverted by the ugliness of some of its trees."

- "We Agnostics", Chapter 4 in the Big Book

 

     Is it not possible that faith can heal? This program is hugely about honesty, open mindedness, and willingness. In order to be fully willing, I would be forced to set aside many of my old beliefs, and adopt a newly open point of view. I would have to broaden my spirituality and accept the fact that my way wasn't working - why not be open to this way?

 

"We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power..."

-"We Agnostics"

 

     After some apprehension and confusion, I was informed that Alcoholics Anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious one, and that my Higher Power could be anything I wanted it to be. The common favorite example around here is a doorknob. Though, I'm willing to bet that this is mostly an urban legend. I somehow doubt that anyone has ever gotten far with a doorknob by their side.

 

"...we also perceived that faith of some kind, if only in A.A. itself, is possible to anyone. These conclusions did not require action; they required only acceptance."

-From Step Three of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions

 



     The bottom line is, no one can quit drinking by themselves. At least, not if they want any lasting results. We need outside influence while trudging this road of recovery. We need to set aside our pride, and accept help from our network, our sponsors, and our Higher Power, whomever they may be. I've since discovered a sense of calm that I have not felt before. A realization that I no longer need to have complete control over every detail of my life. I can let it go! I can trust. Trust that my life will turn out the way it was meant to be, all the while, free from any mind altering substances which would turn me down a dark path that I do not deserve.  In these moments of chaos, when all else fails, I can simply take a moment of quiet meditation to recite the Serenity Prayer.

 

"Step Three opens the door...In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

 

     Whatever your beliefs, simply remember that we are all in this beautiful life together.

 

~Victoria

 

 

"God could and would if He were sought."

 

 



 

 

    

The Resentment Balloon

     Resentment kills slowly. Drinking poison and expecting the other person to die - that is resentment. There is no room for it in healthy recovery. It is something that I still struggle with, and I am definitely not alone in that struggle.

     At a recent Open Discussion meeting, the topic of resentment was brought to the table. By the time it came my turn to share, I had already worked myself up beyond what was a necessary reaction. I know a thing or two about this topic and the harm it can do when held onto. I began to speak, obviously agitated the entire time, even though I was speaking of the effects of a relationship that had ended over five years ago. My voice wavered with anger, the nervous laughter and inherent need to make a mockery of the whole situation in full force defense. I was a ball of writhing emotions while depicting the past - a place where one should never live. As I finished with a rigid sigh, I was handed a note from a friend. It was a suggestion that they were once given, now being passed on to me. I was to write a letter to my resentment, tie it to a balloon, and watch it literally leave my body. Just like that, release it to the world. The sheer brilliance of it's simplicity intrigued me, and I knew that I had to go forward with it.

    

     You had poisoned me. You killed my self worth, tested my spirit to the breaking point. You told me that no one would ever love me, that no one would put up with my shit. So, how could I possibly even think of leaving you? Without you, I would be nothing. Useless. Worthless. I, among other women were "silly little animals", put on this earth for your amusement. I hate that I resent you. I hate that your emotional damage and abuse have caused me to stare in blackouts at the one I love, not realizing that he is NOT you. My emotional attacker. This resentment poisons me. Your hands around my neck haunt my nightmares still. I MUST RELEASE IT. I must forgive, or it will slowly kill me. Your admission stays with me - "I like attempting to manipulate you. You're smarter than the others I've been with in the past. It makes the game harder for me. That excites me."

 

     Your sickness seeped into me without my knowing it. I became sick too, because that is how I thought it should be between us, what my life was to become. I roamed, lost within myself, a ragged shell of the happy girl I once was. You took a piece of my innocence with your lies and manipulations, and I allowed it without a second thought. It was never yours to take.

 

     With this, I release your toxicity. I no longer give power to the icy grip you once used to hold me. I am a beautiful bloom, slowly repairing the broken petals you had ravaged. My heart is free, because it must be in order to live the life that I know I deserve. A life without hating what you have done to me. I could say that you made me drink, that you are to blame. But, you never forced me. I am an alcoholic. That is my burden. With this, I release your misogynistic oppression. May you never harm another woman again, emotionally, spiritually, or physically. I realize you did this because you are sick. For that, I have empathy, but I cannot condone your actions. I blame your sickness for the ways you treated me. With that, I can forgive, though I will never forget. I release your words. I release your stare. I release the black piece of my heart that shriveled under your wing. With this, I release you.

 

 

     I hope that all of you can find the strength to release your resentments.

Your happiness is absolutely worth it.

 

~Victoria