The Journey Begins

     I was blindsided, tumbled into an overwhelming whirlwind of emotions. Forced to face the truths I had for so long denied, I found myself in the middle of a circle, seemingly trapped by those that I loved. I was at my intervention. My name is Victoria. I am an alcoholic. More importantly, I am a recovering alcoholic...

     Breath caught in my throat, I heaved, holding back anguished sobs. How could they betray me like this?! They have tricked me, enticing me with relief from the insurmountable emotional turmoil I had been quickly acquiring in New York. Where was the vacation I was promised? Thoughts raced, escape plans tossed around in my head...it was no use. I was being held against my will in order to endure, through letters, all of the distress and anxiety I had forced upon my loved ones over the years.

Tom - Boyfriend

"Tori, you know how important honesty is to myself, us and our relationship. Out of my love for you, and because I want the best for you, I want to be honest about what my worries and concerns are. I'm afraid to go out with you socially, for what you might become. When you drink, it always starts out OK, but the rate at which you consume far exceeds any normal drinking. You can't stop. Soon you lose touch with yourself, and others around you. You are constantly looking for the next drink. Even if it's not the same thing you were drinking. You recklessly mix."

 

Dave - Dad

"Tori, I want you to know what this is doing to me personally. I think about you and your drinking almost every day. One of the most important jobs of a father is to protect his little girl, and at times I feel that I'm failing you here. I'm so concerned about what this alcohol is doing to you. Will it destroy your talents and that beautiful voice of yours?"

 

Heather - Sister

"Out of my love for you, Tori, it's important for me to tell you how worried and concerned I am. I am worried about the way your drinking changes you. It turns a happy, loving person into someone who is angry, spiteful, and dangerous. I know this person that you turn into is not you, and I know that acting this way makes you sad."

 

 

     What had I done? I never imagined that I had affected people this deeply. I drank to numb myself from my own pain, and was sure that the only person I was hurting was myself. How wrong I was. You see, that is the thing about addiction. It makes you selfish. Alcoholism is an all consuming and baffling disease that pushes you into an insane cycle, where the mental obsession for a drink and the allergic reaction your body has to that drink run round and round until you have completely lost yourself in it. That is, unless you have a moment of clarity that brings you to recovery. Or, in my case, loved ones that cart you over to rehab while you are having the fit of a lifetime.

 

     So began what was to be my new life in recovery. On February 25th at Fairbanks Recovery Center in Indianapolis, Indiana, I had finally found the answer to a question I had often asked myself in shame - "What is WRONG WITH ME?" The answer is, absolutely nothing. I have a disease that approximately 18 million Americans suffer from, one that only about 10% seek recovery for. I would soon learn that it was not as simple as just saying NO. I would have to delve into the psychological root of why I drank. This was not something I could do on my own. I needed help. Help from a sponsor, my peers who were going through similar struggles, and most importantly, from a force that is stronger than any of us.

 

     I would like to open up my journey to any inquisitive minds. Whether you have wondered if you suffer from the same thing, are baffled by a loved one who suffers, or are just curious, I hope that I can shed some light through my mistakes and discoveries.

 
~Victoria