The Resentment Balloon

     Resentment kills slowly. Drinking poison and expecting the other person to die - that is resentment. There is no room for it in healthy recovery. It is something that I still struggle with, and I am definitely not alone in that struggle.

     At a recent Open Discussion meeting, the topic of resentment was brought to the table. By the time it came my turn to share, I had already worked myself up beyond what was a necessary reaction. I know a thing or two about this topic and the harm it can do when held onto. I began to speak, obviously agitated the entire time, even though I was speaking of the effects of a relationship that had ended over five years ago. My voice wavered with anger, the nervous laughter and inherent need to make a mockery of the whole situation in full force defense. I was a ball of writhing emotions while depicting the past - a place where one should never live. As I finished with a rigid sigh, I was handed a note from a friend. It was a suggestion that they were once given, now being passed on to me. I was to write a letter to my resentment, tie it to a balloon, and watch it literally leave my body. Just like that, release it to the world. The sheer brilliance of it's simplicity intrigued me, and I knew that I had to go forward with it.

    

     You had poisoned me. You killed my self worth, tested my spirit to the breaking point. You told me that no one would ever love me, that no one would put up with my shit. So, how could I possibly even think of leaving you? Without you, I would be nothing. Useless. Worthless. I, among other women were "silly little animals", put on this earth for your amusement. I hate that I resent you. I hate that your emotional damage and abuse have caused me to stare in blackouts at the one I love, not realizing that he is NOT you. My emotional attacker. This resentment poisons me. Your hands around my neck haunt my nightmares still. I MUST RELEASE IT. I must forgive, or it will slowly kill me. Your admission stays with me - "I like attempting to manipulate you. You're smarter than the others I've been with in the past. It makes the game harder for me. That excites me."

 

     Your sickness seeped into me without my knowing it. I became sick too, because that is how I thought it should be between us, what my life was to become. I roamed, lost within myself, a ragged shell of the happy girl I once was. You took a piece of my innocence with your lies and manipulations, and I allowed it without a second thought. It was never yours to take.

 

     With this, I release your toxicity. I no longer give power to the icy grip you once used to hold me. I am a beautiful bloom, slowly repairing the broken petals you had ravaged. My heart is free, because it must be in order to live the life that I know I deserve. A life without hating what you have done to me. I could say that you made me drink, that you are to blame. But, you never forced me. I am an alcoholic. That is my burden. With this, I release your misogynistic oppression. May you never harm another woman again, emotionally, spiritually, or physically. I realize you did this because you are sick. For that, I have empathy, but I cannot condone your actions. I blame your sickness for the ways you treated me. With that, I can forgive, though I will never forget. I release your words. I release your stare. I release the black piece of my heart that shriveled under your wing. With this, I release you.

 

 

     I hope that all of you can find the strength to release your resentments.

Your happiness is absolutely worth it.

 

~Victoria