Farewell, But Not Goodbye - Part I

     Ready or not, here I go. I have officially entered back into my life in New York. This decision was met with quite a bit of controversy. Was I ready? Was this choice made rashly, rampant with old addict thinking? I believed it was coming from a healthy place, but it took some convincing to get others on board.

     I will start off by saying that my stay in Indianapolis was one of the most rewarding, eye opening experiences I have ever had. I cannot even begin to describe the depth of my gratitude towards every single person that got me to Fairbanks, as well as all of the new faces who have touched me along the way. I am humbled, I am changed, I have my life back - Thank You.
     Nearing what I felt would be an ideal time to transition back to New York, I was suddenly filled with doubts that had not been there before. Sitting in the rooms of Indianapolis AA, I felt at home. I was happy, undoubtedly lounging on that pink cloud that so many people refer to as the oasis for the newcomer. I had the feeling that I could do anything, I felt blissful, colors looked brighter, my love for the program and the people in it was soaring, nothing could go wrong - that is the effect of the pink cloud. I could have stayed. In fact, the thought of staying was extremely enticing. I could continue on with this new life that I had developed in sobriety, in the very place that it all began. It could be a fresh start, with fresh people who are all on a similar quest. But then the question blindsided me - Am I afraid of going back? There were, undoubtedly, many things to fear. Although I had the beginnings of a New York network in place, I was to be entering back into my usual people, places and things. I would be going back to the apartment where I had begun creating masterful hiding places. I would be reclaiming my two part-time jobs, I would be going to functions where alcohol was present, I would be starting rehearsal. A pretty average set of activities in the day and the life of my alcohol addiction. Before my thoughts spun out of control, I abruptly had to remind myself that if I let faith take over, there would be no room for those fears, even if it were simply the faith in myself to carry on with my new found life. What was there really to be afraid of? In that question, there is also fear of the answer - What if the only thing to fear is actually myself - Had I not betrayed myself through my thoughts and actions multiple times before? The addictive thought patterns are a slippery slope once they find the opportunity to seep into a moment of unguarded bliss.
     In hopes of pushing forward and staving off these thoughts, I began my work on the dreaded Fourth Step. This is the step in which people are given war stories of imminent relapse, along with ideas of not being able to face all that you are, all that you have done, all that you have become. This is the inventory step.

 Step Four:

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

 

     In this step, your are asked to delve deep into your resentments, your fears, your sexual conduct, and the people you have harmed.

 

     "Resentment is the 'number one' offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick."...

     "Notice that the word 'Fear' is bracketed... This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve."...

     "Now about Sex... We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead?"...

     "We must be willing to make amends where we have done Harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing."

- "How It Works", Chapter 5 in the Big Book

 

     Once this list is made, your are led on to the Fifth Step.

 

Step Five:

"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

 

     It is customary to discuss this inventory with your sponsor, the trusted person who has led you through the previous steps. With my time coming to a close in Indiana, I wanted to be sure to get through this freeing step before I left the nest, so to speak. This process took five hours. Five hours of laying out my past, struggling through many hurtful things, both to myself and others, all while trying to keep my composure. And yet, I wonder, was I thorough enough? Or was this simply a rushed effort in hopes of cleansing myself before I went back into the grit of real life?

 

"But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story.

More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it."

- "Into Action", Chapter 6 in the Big Book

 

     Certainly, it seemed, I had not yet had enough. Two days later, I went missing... or at least, that's how it was perceived by those around me. You see, those are my consequences. Because I am an addict, I will most certainly display addict behaviors at some point, and cease to be trusted. People couldn't trust me in addiction, so when, exactly, can I be trusted? I am more apt to have to deal with the brunt of miscommunications, even in sobriety. That is my burden; the anxieties I have caused through prior faults. My final days in Indianapolis dove me into a headlong spin that brought me closer to wanting to pick up a drink than any other time in my recovery. And once those thoughts creep in, you better hold on tight.

 

...

 

~Victoria