Faith, Courage, Empowerment: My Evolution

     Alcoholism does not define me. I am an artist, I am an animal lover, I am a friend, I am an intellectual, I am a singer. Yes, I am an alcoholic, but I am so much more complex than this dark diagnosis. Every single day, I introduce myself - "Hi, my name is Victoria. I am an alcoholic." This is what is required of us, perhaps to keep us humble and remind us why we are here. It can be somewhat disconcerting at times. "Is this all I am in the eyes of the world?". I have come to realize that in that moment, for that hour, yes. I am forced to focus on that one piece of myself that I have failed to control, for I cannot. These moments of reflection in which I question my very purpose, who I am at my core, leads to a surprising form of empowerment.

     There is suddenly freedom. Freedom in knowing that There Is A Solution:

"Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them." - The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

     I had indeed felt this shift. In discovering a deeper spirituality, one that I had once been wary of, I found more confidence, a more happy, joyous, and free me. Truly, fear and faith cannot reside in the same space at the same time. This feeling is indescribable - I am independent, full of love for those around me, full of giving thoughts and actions - a wide chasm has opened up to be filled with all of the wonderful things of my new destiny.

     Consequently, in this reflection, I am forced to examine what I could have lost through my self destruction. Particularly my voice. Singing is my passion. THAT is what ultimately defines me. I may be in recovery in Indiana, but my heart is on a stage somewhere in New York. Not only am I grieving the loss of my friend Alcohol, I am also going through serious performing withdrawal. Imagine two types of "using", or, withdrawal dreams. They are a form of grief. A conflicting image of self. In one type,  I get to drink for free, and am not required to collect a start over token at the following day's meeting, or admit to my transgression. Still, I wake up feeling incredible remorse. This is why I do share these dreams. I am not alone in this. Now, pair this with dreams of joyously singing and acting, performing at the top of my game, being constantly praised. I wake up with a hole so deep that my heart aches. And how would I have filled that void in the past? Alcohol, of course. I am in turmoil. But, the beauty of it is, I am reminded that I could have rendered myself useless in my career of choice. If I were to continue on with a life run by alcohol, my voice, my joy, my passion would eventually be destroyed. I cannot think in "ifs". Those leave room for the cunning alcohol to slip in and whisper, "Don't worry...you can still sing, can't you? Go ahead. Let me fill you." This is a substance so sinister that it leads you to believe that you don't have a problem. That you need it to survive.

     I want to share something with you. This is a role within a show that will always have a very special place in my heart. This is a sampling of my Marian Paroo in "The Music Man".

 

 

 

     If I had lost this ability, it would have taken a miracle to pull me from the depths of despair to follow. I would have been sucked into an unending emptiness that would leave my eyes in a cold vacant daze. That is, until something divine stepped in. I thank God every day that I was able to stop, with His help, before it got to that point of insanity...

 

Step Two:

 

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

 

     I am so thankful for this new found courage to trudge the rewarding path of recovery. My soul rejoices daily. I am truly empowered.

 

~Victoria