Going home - It's a rough road to tread when you've been told that you need to change your people, places, and things. Every way you turn, you are warned that failure is certain if you do not rid your life of the things that would trigger you to return to the despair of a wild bender. So, what do you do if your favorite drunken spot was your own apartment? Before panic was able to set in, I reminded myself of a statement recently gifted to me; "It is not your people places and things that you must change - it is yourself". You have no control over anything but you. Your actions. Your words. The situations you choose to put yourself in. Only you can be accountable to yourself.
In describing the scenario that was briefly calling me back, I will say that it was one with the word "trigger" running rampantly all over it. I had a callback. Here is where the danger lies - being that I am extremely hard on myself, and this particular audition was of the utmost importance to me, a number of detrimental scenarios could have occurred. When I give a bad audition, I am crushed, I beat myself up, I berate my self worth, I drink. Alternately, when I give a phenomenal audition, I rejoice, I am confident, I celebrate... I drink. For an alcoholic, any time is the right time to drink. I would make any and every excuse to feel that warm enticing liquid course through my body. But, this is where my blessings saved me. I happen to be blessed with a life full of extremely supportive, loving people, people who have met my shortcomings without judgement, and have shared in my journey with pride. I was greeted with thrilled surprise from friends who were unaware of my brief return. With these people, among the enchanting atmosphere of a musical audition, I was home. Positive support is essential to successful and long lasting sobriety. It is important to remember that your friends, family, loved ones cannot keep you sober. But their support, along with Alcoholics Anonymous, are the life rafts which are key to one who is drowning in booze.
This trip had brought upon another lesson that has been a driving force in my recovery - learning to let it go. All I can do is my best, and leave the rest of it up to God, Fate, the Universe, and whomever else's control my life is actually under. I can only hope that booking this show is part of the current plan for me. This concept is particularly difficult for me to accept, as I thrive on control. I love to micromanage every detail in my life. When I have absolutely no control over an outcome beyond the best presentation I have put forward, my mind runs wild with possible scenarios. My imagination becomes a veritable carnival, full of distorted truths and over exaggerated horrors, coupled with overblown and impossible whimsy. This is a dangerous place to play, the mind. It's obsessions are what drew me down the dark path of active alcoholism in the first place. I have learned that I must stay out of it. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. If anything, I have a restored confidence in my audition process, as I no longer have poison coursing through my veins, playing tug of war with my insides. Auditioning sober is a wonderful thing. There is still hope, and I must never give up on that.
With my business finished, an anticipatory glow about me, it was time to focus on my initial transition from the safety of the program in Indianapolis, to my more permanent network in New York. In the five meetings I dove into within two days, I quickly found that the rooms in which I would soon spend much of my time among fellow alcoholics were wonderfully welcoming, full of smiling faces embracing my new presence, a plethora of incredible people. Being accepted by complete strangers who share in your struggle is amazing and humbling. This is a network in which, no matter where you go, you can find in it a safe haven and new friends that will selflessly help guide you on your journey. This is quite an amazing phenomenon, when you compare the behaviors of many of us in addiction to our new found recovery selves. We are like children discovering our joy for life, happily living for the good of others without want for anything in return. This is a freedom reinvented, which was lost long ago at the bottom of a bottle.
Sad to see my successful adventure come to a close, I assured the new people in my life that I would continue my growth with them soon enough. Old friends know that I am indeed returning, hopefully to work with them as fellow entertainers and theatre professionals. I have assured myself that it will be okay. The fear is gone. There are no monsters waiting for me in any of my hiding places - what was there had already been drunk. Liquor did not stay long in my sight. But now, I can look upon it with disgust, remorseful of the destruction it had lain at my feet, yet secure in knowing that I am in a better place. I now know that I can safely return home.
~Victoria
(: <3
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