The Force of Spirituality in Recovery

     Out of breath. Running and scared. I was being followed...
    
      I had drunk myself to a special level of oblivion that evening, with a bad case of the "woe is me's". We alcoholics are quite good at wallowing in this state. I had, on this particular night, made the infinitely intelligent decision to drown my sorrows by bar hopping. In New York City. Alone. Sheer brilliance. I found a swanky night club and began the usual alcohol induced dance with death. At a point, I had built up enough liquid courage to ask the lounge singer how she went about getting gigs, relaying the fact that I was a singer as well. This is where the drinks became a free-flowing affair. There seemed to often be free alcohol anywhere that I ventured alone. After some shop talk bonding, the eventual pouring out of my life story led me to a weepy life-loathing puddle. Her solution to this? Ask the owner to get me another drink, of course! More alcohol would solve the problem.
     Once I had cried myself out, and assured everyone that I would be okay to get home on my own, I stumbled out of the restaurant....to a rather shady looking pizzeria. Where I proceeded to have a beer. I had been drinking wine and hard liquor all night, so it only made sense to move to a less potent beverage as I was winding down. When I was getting ready to leave, a man nearby was positive that one beer was not sufficient, that my drunken slurring self surely needed more booze. My danger flag was waving wildly at this point, so I excused myself. He didn't take the hint. It was one in the morning, and I was being followed. Being that my faculties weren't completely about me, I can't even say if I had any amount of control over my panic, or the direction I was heading. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a young couple quickly approached me; "Oh, there you are! Where have you been?" These were complete strangers that I was incredibly grateful to see. The man dropped back immediately, most likely looking for an easier target. They explained to me that they had seen the situation from across the street, and could tell that I was inebriated and needed help. I am so thankful for their kindness in walking me safely to my train. Surely, someone was watching over me that evening. In these moments, I believe. But there are many times that I am unsure of what I am believing in.

     Let go and let God. What does this mean? There are infinite possibilities. I have so many questions about this part of the process of recovery, and am still a young student in many ways. Alcoholics Anonymous is built upon the belief that in order to remain sober, you must completely hand your life over to the care of a Higher Power as it is understood by you.

Step Three:

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

 

     In fact, in order to work this and the subsequent steps, you must follow this principle. I was lost and a little nervous. This can be a daunting request for someone who is unsure where they stand. "How will I work this? Do I believe in God? Do I believe in a form of Him that suits my needs?... Is this a cult?" This aspect of the program admittedly scared me.  So many questions reaching towards the very foundation of my existence. Suddenly, one of the most controversial topics in life had been forced to the forefront of my recovery. I have thankfully always been a very spiritual person. I believe that we are all connected by some force that is bigger than any of us, but the question is, by what? Or who? Every addict has selfishly led themselves to believe that they are in fact the Creator of their world, the center of their universe, that they can be given credit for every event in their lives, especially the positive ones.

 

"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way."

- "How It Works", Chapter 5 in the Big Book

 

     What right do I have to say that there is no God? How could I possibly know for sure? I had, through certain prejudices, believed that my knowledge of science and logic were the whole truth of life. But who was I to judge their beliefs?  Who were they to judge mine?

 

"We talked of intolerance, while we were intolerant ourselves. We missed the reality and the beauty of the forest because we were diverted by the ugliness of some of its trees."

- "We Agnostics", Chapter 4 in the Big Book

 

     Is it not possible that faith can heal? This program is hugely about honesty, open mindedness, and willingness. In order to be fully willing, I would be forced to set aside many of my old beliefs, and adopt a newly open point of view. I would have to broaden my spirituality and accept the fact that my way wasn't working - why not be open to this way?

 

"We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power..."

-"We Agnostics"

 

     After some apprehension and confusion, I was informed that Alcoholics Anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious one, and that my Higher Power could be anything I wanted it to be. The common favorite example around here is a doorknob. Though, I'm willing to bet that this is mostly an urban legend. I somehow doubt that anyone has ever gotten far with a doorknob by their side.

 

"...we also perceived that faith of some kind, if only in A.A. itself, is possible to anyone. These conclusions did not require action; they required only acceptance."

-From Step Three of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions

 



     The bottom line is, no one can quit drinking by themselves. At least, not if they want any lasting results. We need outside influence while trudging this road of recovery. We need to set aside our pride, and accept help from our network, our sponsors, and our Higher Power, whomever they may be. I've since discovered a sense of calm that I have not felt before. A realization that I no longer need to have complete control over every detail of my life. I can let it go! I can trust. Trust that my life will turn out the way it was meant to be, all the while, free from any mind altering substances which would turn me down a dark path that I do not deserve.  In these moments of chaos, when all else fails, I can simply take a moment of quiet meditation to recite the Serenity Prayer.

 

"Step Three opens the door...In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

 

     Whatever your beliefs, simply remember that we are all in this beautiful life together.

 

~Victoria

 

 

"God could and would if He were sought."